Angels 2

I can remember a time when something had to change. I cannot recall what exact situation caused me to decide, but I can recall how I felt. It was feeling impossible, overwhelming, and life-threatening. I was so afraid of my parents, especially my father.

I never felt safe around my father. Furthermore, I felt miserable, not wanted, hurt, stuck, helpless, abused, and really misplaced. I did not know what to do (keep in mind I am still a child between 8 – 13 years of age) or how I could change anything.

The fact I was facing was that I could not change the situation, nor the people included, especially their free will. How could I decide from the (less) point of view I had as a child?

This “something” connected with me to the sad feeling of having “no way out” and feeling lost in the dark with no clue of what I could do. I had the feeling of all is good, but somehow dark and stuck but mixed with a warmth that came from inside. It was a very wired experience.

I honestly did not know how to take this. My body was sad. My mind was numb, creating thoughts and pictures of fear. I was suppressed with no strength to fight or stand up for my rights.

Still, within me, there was this unexplainable feeling of warmth. Between those who thought “all is good” in the surrounding dark, despite the fear, helplessness, and being stuck unloved. I had the sensation of safety. Ok.. calmness.

At that time, I had no idea what was happening within me. It felt so strange and wired, but it was somehow interesting, good, and question-making.

Is this real? What is happening here? Is this normal? Am I going crazy?

I often had such moments throughout my time growing up. So often. I slowly got used to it and was less afraid and I felt less tense.

Somehow, I was always aware of my body – me -- and the one within. Now something recognized was connecting with me from the outside, but somehow it was also connecting inside.

It is not enough to deal with what is happening within: the people, words, actions, reactions, and results. No, I was even more confused with the world within; it did not seem to make things easy.

Complex – overwhelming – unreal – not enough. I struggled daily with my surroundings and trying to deal with yet another challenge.